Why you’re not achieving your goals.
Hi there!
Hope you’re having a good weekend.
I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it before, but my awesome Jalopy Gang Newsletter hits your email box every Sunday. The article that I’m going to share with you below was originally written exclusively for the newsletter, but I think it rocks so much that I want to share it with you here.
Just in case you needed convincing of the value of my esteemed e-publication…
So if you’re super intelligent and enjoy great writing and practical honest, no-nonsense coaching, consulting and home business marketing advice then sign-up below and make my day!
And that is why my buddy Don Shepherd coined me The King of Shameless Self-Promotion…
Anyhow…
Today I’m going to talk about goals.
What are you shooting for?
As you’re here I’m going to assume that you have set goals in the past.
I’m going to assume that you are working to achieve some of those goals right now.
I’m going to assume that you’re at least thinking about working to achieve some of the goals right now.
(Unless you’re my Dad. Hey again, Pa! He’ll tell you that he’s perfectly happy without goals, thank you very much. And then he’ll go make a new wall in the garden. He’s Zen like that. And that’s why you’d do well to read his forthcoming guest post on my blog!)
I’m also going to assume that you’ve forgotten about a few of the goals you’ve made.
And some of them you totally gave up on because – even though you really wanted to achieve the goal – life kind of happened, it all seemed like a bit too much work, and you had other stuff to do anyway…
A lot of people have written a lot of good stuff about the art of goal achievement.
A lot of people have written a lot of nonsense about the art of goal achievement.
One thing that most people will agree on, is that the key to maintaining the drive and commitment you need to follow through on your goals, is to remind yourself why you want to achieve the goal in the first place.
This is good advice. But some people are better at that “why” than others.
Why do you REALLY want to achieve your goals?
Meet Juliet.
Since she left school, Juliet had thought about running her own catering business. But she got married at an early age to a very busy and successful banker called Bob.
Bob would put on a pinstripe suit and bowler hat to go and pick up the Sunday paper. He was that kind of dude.
Juliet played the role of housewife. This was what Bob wanted the most, and what Juliet thought would make Bob happy.
When Juliet would speak of her idea to run a catering business Bob would get angry. He would tell her not to waste her thoughts on silly dreams. He would tell her she would never be able to do it by herself. He would pat Juliet on the head, tell her to forget all about and go and make him a sandwich, there’s a good girl.
Yeah. Bob was an asshole.
Fifteen years later Juliet would finds out that Bob had been having an affair with his secretary.
This gives Juliet the courage she needed to leave no-good Bob and move into a small one-bedroom apartment by herself. Juliet feels like the last fifteen years had been a waste. She doesn’t have qualifications, she doesn’t have experience, but she has her dream – the dream that loser Bob had told her she wasn’t good enough to succeed with.
Juliet immerses herself in self-help literature. She learns how to clarify her desired goal, and see it clearly in her mind. She gets clear about all the good positive things that would result from the achievement of her goal. She learns about positive thinking. She reads some books about self-acceptance.
Juliet decides to give her goal a bit of oomph. She goes to see Coach JJ.
This man can make all your dreams come true!
Juliet explains that her goal is to have a successful party catering business, and explains what that would look like to her.
I ask her why wants this and how it will make her feel.
I’ll feel like I’m in control of my life, she says. It’ll feel great to be able to make money all by myself. I’ll feel secure and I’ll also feel free. I’ll feel proud of myself. I’ll feel like I’ll be able to do anything.
That sounds great, I say. What else?
I’ll feel like I’m a success.
How do you feel about your success as it relates to your ex-husband, I ask.
And then we start to learn about her most powerful motivation to succeed in her business…
She wants to prove Bob wrong. She wants to prove to herself and to prove to him that she can succeed. That she is good enough. She wants to show him that getting away from him and his good-for-nothing philandering ways is the best thing that has ever happened to her. She wants to show him she was better than him – and show herself she was better than him.
Juliet had read so much about positive-thinking and self-acceptance that she had been actively ignoring one of her most powerful motivators!
Now if there’s one thing I’ve learned from having Tony Robbins enthusiastically yelling into my ear on the tube journey into work, it’s that most human behavior is determined by the following two motivating factors:
- desire to move AWAY from perceived PAIN
- desire to move TOWARDS perceived PLEASURE.
Makes sense right?
And which of these two is the most powerful motivator?
PAIN!
We hate pain. We go to extraordinary lengths to avoid experiencing it.
And we can use this to our advantage to give us the motivation we need to keep working at our goals.
Sometimes our most powerful motivating factors are the ones that aren’t necessarily considered socially-acceptable.
- We have a desire to prove our doubters wrong.
- We have a desire for revenge.
- We have a desire to settle the score.
- We have a desire to make up for past mistakes.
- We have a desire to prove ourselves to others and to our past selves.
These desires and motivations may not be the ones you like to admit to others, or even to yourself, but they are often the most powerful.
Let’s say you’re trying to lose weight. What do you think will motivate you more?
The thought of being healthy and fit?
Or the thought of watching your ex-boyfriend’s double-take as your sexy ass struts past him in the street?
Bootylicious!
That’s right, Sista! You show that no-good scrub what he’s missin’ out on!
(Okay. Okay. I promise to never speak like that in public again. Point taken!)
One of the reasons why the message of Oprah-favorite DVD, book and “metaphysical” personal development cult The Secret sucks so much is that entirely ignores the biggest motivational factor in human behavior – the desire to escape pain, the desire to get revenge and the desire to prove our own self worth.
In fact, it actively encourages that you suppress these powerful motivators and delude yourself with positive thinking and gratitude.
Here in Jalopyland, I’m not here to blow sunshine up your bottom. I’m here to tell you what works, and hopefully to make you laugh in the process.
Now, I’m not saying that clinging onto the negative events of your past is a good thing. Of course, you’ll be happier if you can let go of these attachments.
But trying to ignore or suppress these thoughts and feelings is not doing you any good either. And neither will painting over them with fake feelings of acceptance and gratitude.
It always pays to be honest with yourself. If you can regularly get in touch with the real reasons you are striving towards your goal then motivation to act will not be a problem for you. You might change your goals and dreams, but you’re not going to let your goals go forgotten.
So what happened with Juliet?
Well her goal now has a momentum of its own and now her motivations have changed. You can bet your life she doesn’t think of Bob much anymore…
Cool, eh?
If you thought this rocked, and you haven’t already, then why not sign-up for my Jalopy Gang newsletter? It’s packed full of awesomeness like this!
See you later!
JJ Jalopy.
Comment by Lynn Lane
17 May 2009
JJ,
That did Rock. I really like the way you covered the pain and pleasure of motivation. I also liked the way you used (scrub and bootylicious)in your post.
Thanks.
Lynn Lane
Success Strategies For Life
Success Today
Lynn Lane’s latest internet ramble.Ready For Results.
Comment by Steve Chambers
17 May 2009
People will go much farther on “dark” emotions than they will with the more positive ones. Getting even, revenge, greed and envy are far moe motivating, and make for a better story, than the positive, nice ones.
Steve Chambers, The Sales Expert
The Sales Eagle Solution – 12 months to dominate your market
Comment by Don Shepherd
17 May 2009
Hey JJ, Thanks for the plug. I think this is a great post because you tell it like it is with no sugar coating. Speaking in your own voice (to hell with political correctness) makes you interesting and credible.
Don Shepherd
Central Oregon Camphiker
Comment by Christian Haller
18 May 2009
JJ – The price of being right is just too high sometimes. Pain motivation rarely holds the reward we seek in it.
Christian Haller
Good Food Fast & Easy
Healthy Italian Recipes
Christian Haller’s latest internet ramble.Limoncello Lush
Comment by Bob Kaufer
18 May 2009
JJ
You have great energy.
Thanks for sharing.
Bob Kaufer
Z Health For Life
Comment by Darryl Pace
18 May 2009
JJ,
That post was great because of the truth that was laid bare in it, i.e. we often are motivated by darker emotions.
Health, Fitness — Darryl Pace
Fitness Product Review
Darryl Pace’s latest internet ramble.Audio Test
Comment by Pam Schulz
18 May 2009
This post did rock! Jaloplyland is always filled with the most interesting and thought-provoking information. I’m glad that I subscribed!
Pam
Invest in Your Future
Pam Schulz’s latest internet ramble.The Personal Investing Cost of Index Funds vs Managed Funds
Comment by Duane Cunningham
18 May 2009
Hi JJ,
Oh and the other thing that makes the secret totally blow! Is the fact that it mentions nothing about the fact that you have to get off your hind end and do some god damn work!!
Totally rockin post today my friend!
Duane
Super-ADVANCED Persuasion Techniques & Influence Training Proven to Quickly Create a Flood of Money?Constantly & Continuously Flowing into YOUR?Bank Account Like the Niagara Falls…?100% GUARANTEED!!
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Comment by Rob Northrup
18 May 2009
What a great story. You hot so many important topics in that post. And I love your Jalopy newsletter.
Seize the Day,
Rob
Sales Expert For Small Business Owners
Personal Asset Protection For Small Business Owners
Rob Northrup’s latest internet ramble.Add me to Facebook and Twitter…
Comment by John Ho
18 May 2009
JJ,
You’re a ROCK STAR!
Enjoy your post much. I love to be a prolific writer and a sense of humor like you’re.
But then, I am no longer me, but a poor carbon copy of you. So I had better stay as ME while improving myself to be a NEW me more like you at those 2 aspects
)
John Ho
Numerology Expert Helps Understanding Personality for Better Influence & Persuasion (WordPress Blog)
Numerology Expert Daily Numeroscope (Vox Blog)
Numerology Expert Helps Understanding Personality for Better Influence & Persuasion (Money Page)
John Ho’s latest internet ramble.Numerology Expert Personal Branding: Ethics, Enthusiasm & Tenacity
Comment by Philip Graves
18 May 2009
I needed a dose of JJ today; your blog didn’t disappoint. Excellent eZine too. Your style means I always look forward to reading it.
Philip Graves
Find the latest consumer behaviour articles
from the author of “The Secret of Selling: How to Sell to Your Customer’s Unconscious Mind”
Comment by Pa
18 May 2009
Pain is the greatest motivator? I hope this isn’t a universal truth (way too depressing). Whatever you do, don’t tell my line managers.
Joking aside, in the context you’re discussing this rings very true.
Comment by Anthony Lemme
18 May 2009
You’ll pay for that blog! I won’t let you get away with it! I’ll show you!
Just embracing my dark side. Feels good! Thanks!
The Most Powerful Personal Growth and Mind Develpment Tool on Earth
Anthony Lemme’s latest internet ramble.According to the New England Journal of Medicine, Gluten Can Cause 55 Diseases!
Comment by Pat Becker
19 May 2009
You really put across the point of needing a Big Why. Going to be a stupendous newsletter this week.
Pat
Internet Dollars for Business Owners
Pat Becker’s latest internet ramble.Promote Your Business with an E-product
Comment by Single Boomer Dating Success Coach
23 May 2009
Ready (prepare), aim (know what you want, and learn what that is by dating)… Date and Create relationships!
Best regards,
April Braswell
Single Boomer Dating Expert, Relationship Success Coach
Widow Support and Bereavement Counseling Outreach Workshop Henderson, NV, Nevada, Las Vegas