Small Business Therapy #3 – What if I Fail and Look Stupid?!!
This is the second article in our small business therapy series. Today we’re talking about overcoming fear of failure. Or rather, the fear of failing and looking stupid.
Yep. It’s that time of the week again.
Relax. Pour yourself a glass of your favorite drink. It’s time to talk about our issues. You and me. In a non-creepy, constructive kind of way, without a sleazy old therapist in site.
None of this…
Have you ever had thoughts like this?
Aaaarghhh…What if my business all goes horribly, horribly wrong?
Aaaarghhh…What if everyone realizes I’m rubbish at this stuff and laughs me out of business?
Aaaarghhh…What if I have to listen to my Mother telling me that she always knew I should never have quit my job for the REST OF MY LIFE?!
Aaaarghhh…What if I run out of money and I have to scavenge for food in the trash?
Aaaarghhh…What if I can’t afford to feed and clothe my family and it’s all my fault?
Aaaarghhh…What if….
Fear of failure.
It’s a bitch isn’t it?
It’s a big heavy bitch that ties you down and stops you from doing the things you love, living your dream and being so happy that you do star jumps in the street and give sweets to strangers for no reason other than it makes you smile.
I want those strangers to have those sweets so we’re going to sort this out – as much as we can – by talking through it together.
We’re going to break this topic down into two main fears (although they’re really one and the same).
- The fear of looking silly
- The fear of starving / dying / your whole life falling apart
This week we’re going to talk about the former.
Overcoming the Fear of Looking Silly
I hate looking silly. Don’t you hate looking silly?
Sometimes the fear of looking silly rings so loud in my head that I don’t do something I really want to do.
Why?
Because I’m worried that I’ll look like a tit. Or I’m worried people will think I’m stupid. Or that they’ll realize that I’m not actually cool after all…
We hate being embarrassed and, naturally, we try to avoid it. (We’re good to ourselves like that.)
This is… that feeling often rings louder inside our heads than the drive to do the thing that we love. And we end up missing out.
Perhaps you’re putting off staring that business doing the thing you love because you’re scared it all go wrong and people will think less of you?
Perhaps you’re putting off really promoting your business because you’re scared it’ll put you in a limelight that you’re not ready for?
This is totally sensible and totally understandable.
But I know it’s not what you want…
I know you don’t want to be a slave to your emotions. I know you don’t want your fear of looking silly to get in the way of doing what you love.
I don’t want that for you either. I think you’re brilliant and I don’t want to deprive the world of your brilliance.
How do we overcome fear of failure?
Well first of all let’s recognize that it’s not the failure or looking silly that you’re scared of, per se. It’s the emotions associated with these things. It’s the desire to avoid guilt, shame, or any other emotion that you think you’ll experience that is stopping you from taking action.
Yeah. Great JJ. Thanks. You just changed some words around. Is this supposed to make me feel better?
Well yeah. Kinda. Because it now pushes the issue back within your control.
Although it might not always seem this way, you create the emotions you experience. And by changing the way you interpret the world you can change the emotions you experience.
So many people will give you useful reframes. If you think about failure in a different, more positive way, they say, then you’ll feel better about it all.
Some powerful reframes that you’re probably fed up with hearing about
1. Failure is really just feedback.
Most successful businesses were pre-ceeded by a stream of attempts that didn’t quite work out the way they were intended.
When people talk about this they usually mention Thomas Edison, who made six zillion shitty light bulbs that didn’t work before he stumbled across the final design. If he’d given up along the way then we wouldn’t have America’s Got Talent, they say, as if this were a bad thing.
If you find something that doesn’t work then you’re really one thing closer to something that does. You don’t have to try that thing again. It didn’t work. See? A useful learning experience.
2. The only way to fail is to not try your best.
It didn’t work out, but you worked hard and you did your best? Well you can be bloody proud of yourself.
(This one came from Tony Robbins.)
3. Your business is really just a project.
This is a powerful frame that my mentor, Kevin Hogan, introduced me to. The idea is that what you call your business, that thing you do, is really just a project.
You’ve had projects before and you’ll have projects in the future. You’re trying one out at the moment. It’s not really a big deal if it fails because it’s only a project. Your Mother-in-law might not be so smug about telling you you should never have left your job if she knows it’s just a project.
Clever, isn’t it?
If you can truly convince yourself to believe these reframes then these will help you enormously.
But here’s what to do when you can’t convince yourself of the above
Most likely you won’t buy into these reframes in the short term. You might have heard a hundred times about Thomas Edison’s thousand attempts at a bloody light bulb, but rationalizing to yourself that failure is a valuable feedback mechanism can be somewhat of a stretch when you’re right in the middle of your little freak-out storm.
And whilst it might be empowering to believe that your little business is just a project.
Just try telling this to your body when it’s gripped by panic.
It probably won’t listen. In fact, it’s more likely to yell back at you “shut up Tony Bloody Robbins. I’m too busy freaking out to listen to your feel-good mind-trick crap right now.”
And then it’ll carry on freaking out.
If you’re anything like me you don’t want tricks, techniques or advice when you’re in one of those moments. You want gin. Or Valium. Or more furniture to throw at the wall. The value of a well-placed reframe is not obvious to you mid-meltdown.
So go easy on yourself. Realize that, despite your best efforts, you’re not going to think your way into a position of unlimited self-esteem straight away.
Or ever, really…
So learn to recognize the emotions that you’re running away from and accept that it’s okay to feel them.
It’s okay to worry that your business is going to fail and you’ll feel ashamed. It’s okay to worry that the person you’re about to call about a joint venture is going to be dismissive of you and you’ll feel embarrassed.
It’s okay. We all feel like that sometimes.
Allow yourself to feel what you feel. And stretch out in whatever way you can. You don’t need to “get over it”. You don’t need to jump out of your comfort zone. Just do what you can do right now. Stretch a little, if you can. Next time will be easier.
So how do you feel?
I hope you got a little something out of that. It made me feel better anyway! ?
Join me next Saturday for another installment. We’ll be talking through the fear of having to feed your family with scraps of half-eaten food you stole from the trash. Or something.
Take care!
JJ Jalopy.
P.S. Look. This was really bloody long. I love you lots and lots for reading this far and I hope you enjoyed what you read.
I’d like to invite you to sign-up to my V.I.P. list. You’ll get free email awesomeness just like this delivered straight into your emailbox every week, except when I’m horrendously hungover.
You can even reply to the email and talk to me. We’ll probably end up best friends. Put your name and email address in the boxes below if this sounds like something you would like!
Comment by Suzie
11 July 2009
Excellent advice as usual JJ.
IMuy opinion is we’re all far too worried about what other people think of us. If we can get over that, we’re half way there…
Suzie´s last blog ..A Blast from the Past
Comment by Duane Cunningham
12 July 2009
Hi JJ,
Superb advice and what Kevin says is so true, and the way I look at it is that since I have quite a few projects on the go at all times I know before hand that some of them won’t turn out the way I expect and thus I just look at it as a learning experience that I can take something from to apply elsewhere
Duane
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Comment by Anthony Lemme
12 July 2009
I agree JJ. And Kevin is right about looking at things like a project. As a musician, I often look at some of the “band” situations I get into as projects. I know they will have a short shelf life most of the time.
I also agree with Duane in that I know some of my other endeavors will not be followed to completion or will just not work out for whatever reasons.
I am getting better at “failing” and am learning that it is a step closer to improving and perfecting.
Anthony
http://www.anthonylemme.com
Anthony Lemme´s last blog ..Maca: “Peru’s Natural Viagra”
Comment by JJ Jalopy
12 July 2009
@Suzie – Thanks Suzie. You’re totally right. I guess it’s just hard for us to do.
@Everyone_else – Go visit Suzie’s website. It’s awesome.
Comment by JJ Jalopy
12 July 2009
@Duane – Kev’s a rockstar!
@Anthony – You’re a rockstar!
Comment by Rob Northrup
12 July 2009
I loved this post JJ. So true. we are our own worst enemies sometimes…
Seize the Day,
Rob
Personal Asset Protection For Small Business Owners
Have You Covered Your Assets?
Comment by John Ho
13 July 2009
JJ,
We should not worry or fear about our own “failures” as others are just damn busy to cover their ass anyway. They don’t have time to dig out ours!
John Ho
Comment by Darryl Pace
13 July 2009
Dude, that long friggin post was excellent! It’s okay to feel the fear we do — this is great (and comforting) advice.
Health, Fitness — Darryl Pace
Fitness Product Review
Darryl Pace´s last blog ..Free Weights and Machines
Comment by Lisa McLellan
14 July 2009
Oh yes, I am all too familiar with the fear of failure! I don’t want to fail no matter what you say!!! LOL Thanks for the advice
Lisa McLellan
Babysitting Services – Babysitters and Nannies
Comment by JJ Jalopy
14 July 2009
@Rob – Yup. And it doesn’t help to beat ourselves up about it! That just creates more problems.
Thanks for stopping by.
Comment by JJ Jalopy
14 July 2009
@John – haha. That’s an interesting way of thinking about it John…
@Darryl – Glad it helped you to feel better. It’s great to hear that from you. Thanks.
Comment by JJ Jalopy
14 July 2009
@Lisa – I think we all are. I enjoy writing about this stuff because our fears and worries are so universal. I hope it helps…
Comment by Destroy Fear of Failure
14 June 2010
You might want to fail, you will fail, it is part of the improving course of action, piece of the way we humans find out, and the only way we basically learn. Failure is just executing one thing the wrong way. We may come with 9 variables perfect nevertheless the tenth drastically wrong leading to our plan failing. Using this method you can actually conquer the fear of failure.