I’ve been writing the copy for the Google Pay Per Click testing phase of my Market Testing Kit.

What on earth does that mean, JJ?

Oh yeah. Sorry.

It means I’m writing a basic sales letter for strangers who are interested in market testing their business idea.

The plan is to buy visitors through Google Pay Per Click advertising, direct them to a nice sales letter written by me and see how many of said people sign up for my I’m-interested-in-this list.

Don’t worry if that doesn’t make any sense either. I’ll guide you through the process step-by-step in the Market Testing Kit itself…

So what’s this sales letter going to be like Mr. Jalopy Man?

Would it be more fun if I showed you what it won’t look like?

Probably. I imagine it’ll be somewhat less educational though.

You’re probably right. But, to be honest, this pretend conversation was really just a setup to show you this anyway…

http://youreapoorloser.com

Do go and visit. It’s hilarious. And kinda brilliant. I thought it was a joke at first, but there’s a real product for sale there…

So, yeah. It won’t look like that…

Stay tuned for more educational updates soon. (I think we’ll be filing this one under General Silliness)

Mrs. Jalopy and I are hitting the road tomorrow to go to another wedding in Wales. I think it’s the last of the year. As much as I love a good wedding, I’m looking forward to getting my weekends back.

See you soon!

JJ Jalopy.

Hey there!

How are you today?

Excited about my forthcoming Market Testing Kit product?

Of course you are!!

So why aren’t you on my I’m-really-interested-in-this list yet?

Do you realize that I might not even make it if I don’t get the love and attention I crave?

And that if you’re on the list then you’ll be eligible for a massive advance discount and awesome pre-launch bonuses?!

Perhaps you’d like to go here right away to learn about it?!

Another link just in case you missed the two above?

Okay…

So what has this ridiculous title got to do with your awesome Market Test kit, JJ?

Nothing actually. That was just a little rant I wanted to start things off with.

What I wanted to talk about today was search keywords.

You see, one of the great things about business online is that you can monitor and track pretty much everything…

… including the search term people typed into Google to find your website.

Some of these search terms are pretty esoteric.

Here are my favorites for this website so far:

#5 – Cowboy Hats (11 visitors)

11 people  have managed to end up at my website after searching for cowboy hats. They mostly ended up here or here.

Well I guess I do talk about them rather a lot…

But why did they click on a link that is clearly about business advice or coaching?

Who knows. People are odd.

Maybe I should affiliate for Sheplers?

#4 – Make me look like an idiot (15 visitors)

Who would want such a thing?

15 visitors apparently.

They ended up here.

#3 – Cartoon Celebrity Nose Job (1 visitor)

There is so much I could say about this…

I really have no idea what this person wanted to find but I imagine they were rather disappointed when they ended up at this confession about my social media procrastination habits!

#2 – Duane Cunningham Bikini* Workout (1 visitor)

Yes. My second favorite.

I can hear the heavy breathing from here.

They’ve got to have felt let down when they ended up learning about a Wordpress upgrade instead.

* The word bikini might have been added for comic effect.

#1 – JJ Jalopy is an ass (1 visitor)

Come on then. Own up.

Did you type this in?

And just what exactly were you trying to achieve by this?!

I find it incredible and hilarious that someone typed this into Google and pressed search.

Amazing.

So in the interests of research I typed this into Google myself and, as well as finding my own site, I found a lovely comment from my friend Avery on Naomi Dunord’s awesome IttyBiz blog. It reads:

Very nice! I came here from JJ Jalopy’s site. He’s an ass.

Thanks Avery. You ass.

Love you all!

JJ Jalopy.

P.S. Don’t forget about that Market Testing Kit.

(Please note that I am using exaggeration to create humor. I don’t condone violence of any type, especially when directed towards cowboys.)

But this video made me shed a tear.

And I’d like to share it with you.

I apologize in advance for making you listen to Aerosmith’s I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing. Turn your speakers down if you need.

Click here to view the embedded video.

See you soon!

JJ Jalopy.

Recently I have been evangelizing about the benefits of outsourcing tasks in your home business.

I know it can be hard to relinquish responsibility to other people, especially if you’re a control freak like me. And I understand that it can be especially difficult when you have to pay for the privilege…

But outsourcing tasks will free up time for you to work on the things that really make the difference.

It will pay off in spades.

So, having convinced you in three lazily-constructed half-sentences that outsourcing is A Really Good Thing, I’m now going to introduce you to a great resource called Elance. 

Elance is essentially a big market place that allows people who want stuff done to get together with people who want to get paid to do stuff.

Which is great. Because we’ve all got a lot of stuff.

So how does this work, Mr. JJ man?

Well, imaginary blog reader sycophant, the way I like to use Elance is to post details of my project or task and then watch as the people who want to get paid to do stuff flood me with bids for the work I’m offering.

This is nice and easy and simple and inflates my sense of self-importance.

Posting jobs on Elance does wonders for your self-esteem.

I like that.

So, are you going to give us some awesome tips, as per usual Mr. Jalopy?

Sure thing m’lady…

How to post an awesome job description

Make your project description clear and specific. Say exactly what you want and when you want it. Have other people read it and then explain back to you what they have understood.

If there is any possible way that something can be misinterpreted, it probably will be. <<Insert your own amusing illustrative story here, if you like. Go wild>>

So yeah. Basically you want to remove any possibility of misinterpretation.

And add attachments or links to your website, if relevant, to illustrate what you want done. If you have sketches, brainstorms or notes then scan them and upload them. A picture is worth a thousand words and all that.

How to pick a bidder that kicks ass rather than sucking it

After a few hours, hungry providers will start to submit bids.

It can be pretty overwhelming sometimes. It might make you feel a little slutty the first time.

Some of these will be better than others.

This is me being polite. Most of the responses you get are going to suck ass. You don’t want an ass-sucking outsourcer. So, to sort the wheat from the chaff, ask yourself the following questions:

Have they actually, you know, read your job description?

Many bidders will bid on anything without really looking at the description. People that do this are usually doing this because they have to. They’re playing a nasty spammy, slutty numbers game. Because they suck.

How long have they been on Elance?

Ideally you want someone with some experience. Obviously.

What is their feedback like?

People who’ve had stuff done  can leave feedback on people who did stuff. Look through the bidder’s previous feedback and comments to figure out if they did a good job and if people were generally happy with them.

People are usually pretty honest and you can get some good insight here.

Do they address any of the specific issues you highlighted in your job description?

Do they give some indication of how exactly how they can help you?  

Have they looked at your website and the documentation you sent them? Have they taken the time to spell out the specific benefits that hiring them will give you?

Or are they sending you the same generic responses that they send out to everyone?

How to make sure the person you’ve chosen does what you want them to do?

Sometimes people misunderstand each other.

Most of the time people misunderstand each other. 

So don’t assume that your lovely new outsourcing chap actually understands what you want him to do. 

Before you let him get to work ask him to explain back to you exactly what he thinks are your requirements. Correct and clarify as necessary. Rinse and repeat. 

Now, once your outsourcer can explain to you what you need him to do, identify relevant milestones and set up a system by which he can provide regular updates so you can ensure everything stays on track, or you can identify problems early on.

I like to receive daily short email updates, in which my provider will list what they’ve achieved and any questions they might have.

Be specific with your feedback requirements. If you want him to spend no more than 5 minutes on a daily email update, then tell him that. Otherwise he’ll probably write an essay. Again, assume nothing. 

What do you do once it’s all done?

Give honest feedback and testimonials. 

Make sure you keep in touch with them if they did a great job, and refer them to your friends and colleagues. They’ll both love you for it.

Share the love!

Cool, eh?

Do you have any tips you’d like to add? Talk to me in the comments. I love comments – especially yours.

See you later dude(tte)!

JJ Jalopy.

So Manchester United lost the football tonight.

Still… life goes on. Especially if you could care less about Manchester United.

Today I thought I’d share with you what I’m up to, and then send you away with a chocolate surprise as I get busy with aforementioned stuff.

You’re soon going to see a few changes around here:

A New Cleaner, Clearer Website Design

A new splash of paint.

There’s a ton of really awesome stuff on this website.

But it’s a right bitch to find it, and the layout of the site is rather confusing.

So I’ll be taking the time to sort that out. The new design will be:

• cleaner
• easier to read
• lighter
• whiter
• like fresh laundry on a summer day
• funner
• more JJ. (Oh yeah.)

If you come and visit and the site looks as if a child drew it on your screen with half-chewed crayons, then you probably caught me in the middle of upgrade limbo.

I know there are ways and means to update a website in such a way that the changeover is almost seamless from the visitor’s perspective. I also know we probably won’t bother ourselves with such folly.

So if it looks like crap, that’s why. It’ll get better. Honest.

More Really Cool Stuff.

I’m busy making really cool stuff for you. If you’ve been paying attention to my coaching marketing blueprint then you’ll know that the last step is:

Explode your Business. Get leverage on your time.

In my business, this means making cool stuff to help as many people as possible. There’s some really great free stuff coming up which I’ll make available to existing and new subscribers to my awesome Jalopy Gang newsletter, as well as some slightly-more-than-free-stuff that I’ll be revealing soon.

Some secret other stuff which is just like so totally cool it’ll make your eyes pop out and your head fall off, at which point you won’t mind so much about the eyes.

Yeah, some of that too. Subscribers will find out soon!

As I’m so busy, I’ll posting a bit less often on here from now on. Not a lot less, mind you. We’ll still hang out and laugh and learn together.

To make up for that – and as a present for being so lovely and reading down so far – I’m going to share my super awesome brownie recipe with you.  These are the best brownies in the whole world. Enjoy!

Here’s your shopping list. 

• 200g Butter
• 200g of the finest dark chocolate money can buy
• 100g of milk chocolate
• 50g of cocoa powder
• 275g of caster sugar
• 90g of flour
• 3 big eggs

This makes enough brownies to last a couple of hours, regardless of the number of people you have. They’re good. Really good.

Now the instructions. Pay attention!

Cut the butter and break the dark chocolate into cubes. Put them in a bowl. Rest the bowl on top of a saucepan filled about a third full with water. If the bowl touches the water then you either have an inappropriately shaped bowl or too much water – remedy the situation!

Now but the saucepan on a low heat and stir the butter and chocolate as it begins to melt. 

Once melted remove the bowl from the pan and allow the melted chocolate to cool.

As it cools, sieve the flour and cocoa powder into a bowl to remove any lumps.

Chop the milk chocolate into chunks with a knife or whatever garden implement you feel like misusing.

Put the eggs and sugar into a bowl and whisk like crazy until you get a nice fluffy sweet mixture. This mixture is delicious…

Now pour the melted (cool) chocolate over the fluffy eggy goo and fold it together with a spatula. Keep going in a figure of air so everything is the same lovely chocolate color. Be nice and gentle because we don’t want to get rid of the lovely fluffiness of the egg goo.

Now sift the cocoa and flour mixture on top of the chocolate goo. When it covers the top, fold the dry mixture into the goo. This will look horrible and dry at first, but bear with it. Keep going gently until you’ve folded in all the cocoa and flour and you end up with a fudgy, sticky consistency.

Finally, stir in the milk chocolate chunks. 

Stick the mixture into a shallow baking tin that you’ve prepared in whichever non-stick way you like. Make sure it covers the whole surface of the tin.

Whack it in the oven for about half an hour. You can tell when it’s ready because it won’t wobble in the middle when you shake it.

Now allow them to cool, chop them up and eat them.

They are best served with wine, coffee good music and great company.

TASTY!

See ya later, Alligator!

JJ Jalopy.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend.

I hope you have a fantastic time with the people you love.

Here’s 10 simple things that you can do right now to immediately improve the quality of your life…

1. Get a teapot.

2. Have a bit of a tidy-up. Then have a nice cup of tea, made in your new teapot.

3. Put the phone back on its stand thing. It looks untidy lying down like that.

4. Get a mac. If you’re going to be sat in front of a computer you might as well make it a nice looking one. Like my beautiful silver iMac. Even if it crashes, you don’t get mad ’cause it’s just so pretty…

5. Tidy your computer desktop. You’ll never achieve Productivity Zen Mastery with all that crap in the way. So put those icons away somewhere. Do this: http://kinkless.com/article/kinkless_desktop

5. Buy loads of toothpaste, shampoo, soap, toilet rolls etc. Having to buy that stuff all the time is annoying.

6. Always have scissors, wrapping paper and tape in an easily accessible place. Wrapping up presents is painful enough at the best of times. Why make it harder on yourself?

7. Drink good wine. It’s nicer than the cheap stuff, you know. You deserve it.

8. Go outside. Go for a walk. Get some air. Sit under a tree. Hug it if you like. Just get outdoors. It’s good for you. 

And from Mrs. Jalopy…

9. Paint your nails. It makes life funner.

10. Carry tissues at all times.

Ta-ra! See you tomorrow!

JJ Jalopy.

I hope you had a great week.

I want to share this with you. It’s one of the most beautiful music videos I’ve ever seen, by the Icelandic band Sigur Rós.

If you have the time… then take a deep breath, relax, and enjoy six minutes of exquisite beauty.

Click here to view the embedded video.

See you tomorrow!

JJ Jalopy.

Yeah, I know.

I’m looking a bit rough today. I’ve had a busy day and I’m bloody knackered. 

(That means I’m tired, my American friend.)

My bed is calling to me like a treacherous Siren.

Be silent – vile temptress of the sea – for I have a blog to write, folk to entertain and educate, babies to hug shirtless and oiled…

Actually, screw that. I’m going to bed!

In my place today will be surrogate blogger extraordinaire Mr. Johnny B. Truant. 

I discovered him recently in my quest to find the greatest writing on the internet as part of my evil networking plan. Johnny has been writing totally awesome guest posts on Naomi Dunford’s totally awesome IttyBiz blog. 

He’s funnier, better looking, far more modest, and slightly more profane than I. 

Here he talks about Marketing for Nice People and punching Ashton Kutcher in the face. Apparently these two activities are not mutually exclusive.

http://ittybiz.com/why-its-nice-to-be-nice/

Enjoy.

I’ll be human again tomorrow!

See you then!

JJ Jalopy.

How was your day?

I’m feeling pretty Zen right now.

At least I would be if Zen were an acceptable adjective.

I’ve been working like crazy today and now I’m basking in the pride and satisfaction of a Job Well Done and the fuzzy, wired aftermath of a serious caffeine overload.

My limbs feel like they’re about to fall off.

I can feel the blood passing through every one of my veins.

I feel totally worn out.

It might not sound like it, but it feels really good.

I’m on the train on my way home. When I get home I will give Mrs. Jalopy a hug and I’ll tell her I love her.

Then I’ll fall asleep with her head on my chest.

It’ll have been a perfect day.

See you tomorrow!

JJ Jalopy.

How are you this fine Tuesday evening?

Let’s share a whiskey and light up some cigars. We’re going to get R-rated today.

Why not? The kids are tucked up in bed.

Sometimes I just love a good rant. 

I’ll admit to being an enthusiastic cheerleader for the benefits of positive thinking, but sometimes it’s a whole lot of fun to unleash a big torrent of uninhibited vitriol into the world.

Sometimes it can even be productive and educational.

I’ll maintain the pretense that this will be the case today. (Really, we’re just here for entertainment…)

Please don’t follow the forthcoming link if you’re easily offended, you have a mother, you’ve ever seen a rainbow, eaten a cupcake, kept a puppy, kept a hamster or were even the slightest bit offended by Janet Jackson’s left nipple.

Otherwise…. here’s a glorious and luxurious rant about internet marketing on the weblog metafilter.com in response to the news that the makers of a popular online advert blocking plugin are considering permitting advertisers to unblock their adverts. 

Highlights below…

You want attention for your goods or services? Make them the best you can. We’ll f—ing find you, ok? Eliminate your marketing department and take all of that money and all of those resources and refocus on making a product that doesn’t suck ass, and we’ll find you.

It was true before the internet in the age of better mousetraps and beaten paths, and is especially true now that “word of mouth” is a global phenomenon. Make good shit. Put up a simple but useful page. Be good to your customers and clients and we’ll find you and bury you in business.

Although I’m not going to agree completely with my angry friend, this actually fits in with my coaching marketing blueprint pretty well.

• Create massive value
• Take advantage of word of mouth marketing and social media in favor of old-school marketing and advertising techniques
• Rule the world!

Hope you’ve enjoyed yourself tonight. Tomorrow we’ll drink tea and talk about puppies and rainbows and little fluffy clouds.

JJ Jalopy.